Security system

[BadMoonRacing]

this is funny....and true. This was sent by a retired dentist.


We have the standard 6 ft. Fence in the backyard, a few
months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire
city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and
ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply
had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and
drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more
you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6
hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard.
I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around
the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.

It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after
all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my
right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind
the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an
upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still.

The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the
front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the
lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that
Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was
literally at one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of junk
lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same
time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels
emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix
kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned
back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there
were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like
exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into
holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so
I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric
fences.....but Dad always had those pieces of junk chargers made by
International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.

This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod
is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river
bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and
take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas. 'Damn!,' I think, as I
remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled
into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam
in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God
please die... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy
cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor
waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80%
humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not
take me that day.....he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in
the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire...I woke
up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of
gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large
dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny
dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on
to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had
somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a
few things:

1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right
butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

3- Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not
smell as bad as you might think.

4- My left eye will not open

5- My right eye will not close.

6- The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I
think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something,
because it was better than new after that.

7- My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are
almost a foot long.

8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while
thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this).

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for
things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check
to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over
the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him,
and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me
to triple check before I mow.

[Bigdaddy]

[KORNBREAD]

Holy , I have never laughed so hard in my life. I printed this story to let my friends read this. OMG was that funny!!

[HockeyGuy]

lol

[jaysgirl]

[s10freak]

 

[old school truck dude]

 

[Jjay78]

that reminds me of a cousin.....

[black07ss]

[ProGrade]

Rofl